Its time for me to stay alone, and ponder. I mean really ponder.
I can totally face up to the truth. I love volleyball but I hate being captain.
I use the word 'Hate'. It explains everything.
I know myself the best. I am someone who shuns and who dislikes responsibility.
I avoid it because I know I cannot handle it. I know I am not up to it.
And the truth agrees with me, Yes I am not up to it.
I want back my life, my life when I can stand so freely around trainings, and to be able to take a break from trainings without feeling guilty.
Today, after a whole day at home, no school no trainings. I actually felt free.
Free from everything. Even though it just means staying at home on the sofa watching the tv whole day and taking naps in between. It actually makes me a happier girl.
I dont want to be what I am now, getting pissed over teammates not interested attitude to train and all that other administrative work. Or being 'suan' or kb by people.
I dont deserve all these, do I?
And because of that stupid title on my head, I have to be a good example.
Im not perfect and i dont want to be perfect. I want to help the team but not in this way.
Not being a captain will of course make me a happier person. I am sure of it.
And there are people in the team that makes a better captain than me. I am certain.
I have my faults and these faults make me a human.
Im blur, Im forgetful, Im lazy. Yes, Im sure I am.
Im fighting a battle, alone. And Im losing terribly. Its eating me up. Its changing me.
Changing me into someone, so bad-tempered that I can basically hate myself.
I have questions.So many of them that I dont know which one to start with.
I want to give up. But I cant. Im trying my best already but im really very sick of this shit.
Blame it on me for being stupid, blur and forgetful. That's really me. And nothing can change that. I owe everybody an apology. SORRY. But I beg, please stop pressuring me. Please.
And sorry coach, you chose the wrong person.
I've disappointed you.